authors; el_em_en_oh_pee (Justin) and willfully (Luna)
rating; PG-13 for innuendo and adult themes
characters; (in order of appearance) Justin Finch-Fletchley, Luna Lovegood, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Gilderoy Lockhart, Winky the House Elf, Millicent Bulstrode, and references to Pansy Parkinson and Hannah Abbott
summary; In which the
warnings; detailed descriptions of mpreg in some of its more...twisted...forms (though none of the characters actually have to go through the weirder ones), references to het, slash, and femmeslash, inordinate amounts of innuendo, crack, and mythology dorkage.
disclaimer; None of this is even remotely true (the authors don't think), nor do Harry Potter and Co (not to mention the Greek deities) belong to the authors. This is purely for the
author's note; Since this fic was written entirely in February 2007, the authors would like to donate it to Harry Potter Quills for a Cause (hpqfac).
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY [beaming]: HELLO. I am Justin Finch-Fletchley, history aficionado and Mythbuster extraordinaire! And this is my partner in study and debunking, Luna Lovegood!
LUNA LOVEGOOD [brightly]: Hello everyone, everywhere!
JFF: We've been in this business for how long, Luna?
LL: A long time! Since before the Snorkack Protection Act of 2000, at least.
JFF: Right. Wow, that means my wife has been tired of my shop-talk for... wow. Four years? Five. Anyways.
LL: Mine, too! But you were saying something important, go on.
JFF: Yes, as I was saying. We've been in the business for years, and--
LL: And Snorkacks everywhere are living happily and reproducing mightily, but a great many myths have been torn to shreds.
JFF [rolling his eyes at the camera]: Uhm, yes. We have, indeed debunked hundreds of myths. From the myth that dust bunnies can go rabid to the myth that Celestina Warbeck has implants, from the myth that muggles have venomous snot to the myths surrounding Stonehenge and its relation to pizza parlours -- that myth in particular is quite thanks to Eoin Colfer, who was a suspected Death Eater until we investigated that,too -- and many, many more.
LL [gesturing excitedly]: Today, our normal program is going to get just slightly wackier! Instead of popular myth, or what might be properly called rumour to a species more intelligent than our own, we will delve into the ancient world and look at the myths that have followed us through generations. You won't believe this, but the stories you tell to your children today may have actually happened to the Ancient Greeks!
JFF [clearing his throat]: As Luna just basically said, we're going to be examining some of the Greek myths that many of you may be familiar with. Also, this being a Special Mini-Series, we're going to cover a certain... theme.. of myths: which, this week, includes the myths of Eros and Psyche, Narcissus, Echo, Athena's birth, Atalanta, Hermaphroditus and Salmacis, and Pandora! Today, we're going to focus on myths of beginnings in particular: that of Athena's birth, and that of Narcissus.
LL [smiling happily at the camera]: Now don't let this go to your heads, darlings, but many, many years ago, wizards and witches were considered gods and goddesses. Muggles, as you know, have a habit of ignoring the smaller, more important creatures in favour of things that they consider mystical or fantastic. Now, of course, we have laws to protect them from us, and us from them, just in case a swelling of the ego turns out to be deadly! But the aforementioned "deities" did not have such laws, and as their memory faded, they became tales to spin around the campfire.
JFF: However, due to a fantastic twist of luck, we've gained access to the Truth of the Matter! Which is basically what Luna just said, actually...
LL [confused]: Did I give away the punchtime again?
LL [giggles]: I get that a lot. Now are we going to have to do that fun cutting rocks game to see who goes first again, or will you concede?
JFF: You can go first! I promised Hannah I'd floo her and let her know when we were going to start actually busting some myths!
LL [smiles and turns back to the camera]: Say hi to her for me! Or, Hannah, if you're already watching, hi!
[A pause, in which LUNA sits down in a chair and crosses one leg over the other, bouncing her foot excitedly.]
We begin, my dear viewers, as life always does, with birth.
[The screen fills with a picture of a sperm fertilising an egg, and then a woman nursing a baby.]
LL [V.O.]: Biologically speaking, childbirth requires the meeting of a sperm and an egg, after which the baby begins to grow in the nourishing womb of the mother. But according to the Homeric Hymn, "Wise Zeus himself gave birth to [Pallas Athena] from his holy head and she was arrayed in her armor of war, all-gleaming in gold."
[A picture of an Athenian amphora depicting Athena bursting from Zeus's head appears on the screen for a moment, then cuts back to LUNA, who is now holding an ancient-looking tome closed in her lap, and staring intently at the camera.]
LL: He had allegedly swallowed Athena's pregnant mother, his wife Metis, fearing that she would bear a son more powerful than he, and some variations on this legend say that Hephaestus, Zeus's son and god of creative fire, split his father's head open with an ax when he complained of a headache- not an uncommon complaint among pregnant women, but not generally due to small people residing inside their heads.
Now, we know that Zeus was a wizard. As odd as his pregnancy was- if one could even call it that- it sounds much more possible now than it might have before the war, with all the advances in potions that allow male pregnancy. Neither Justin nor I had any previous knowledge of this process, so we went to talk to the man that created the potion as we know it now (it existed before, of course, but had a dangerously high fatality rate)-- Draco Malfoy, Potions Master, and his husband Harry Potter.
[Cut to a wide-angle shot of MALFOY MANOR, camera zooms in to show JUSTIN and LUNA standing in front of large, carved, double doors at the entrance.]
LL [Staring at the doors]: These are big enough for a giant to fit through, I should think. Maybe the potion has extreme swelling as a side effect?
JFF [blanching]: Believe me when I tell you, I do not want to know.
LL [worriedly]: I hope Harry's okay.
[The door is opened by a House Elf, who leads them to a lavish sitting room and indicates that they should sit down on a couch. It sets drinks in front of them and disappears as a door at the end of the room opens, DRACO MALFOY and HARRY POTTER enter the room.]
LL [standing, running over to Harry Potter]: Harry! You're normal sized!
Draco Malfoy [smirking]: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Harry Potter [blushing]: Shut up. Hullo, Luna! And Justin, it's been ages! How are you?
JFF [uncomfortably]: I'm doing quite well, and yourselves?
HP: We're al-
LL [interrupting excitedly]: Do come sit down, since you can obviously fit on the couch! As I explained over the Floo, we're investigating a myth-- specifically, the birth of the Greek goddess Pallas Athena, who was born from Zeus's head. Draco, you're the expert on male pregnancy, can you tell us how it works?
DM [sitting carefully, adjusting his robes, and clasping his hands professionally in front of him]: The main obstacle that I had to overcome in perfecting the potion is also the most obvious-- men do not have the necessary anatomy to carry a child. The older version of the potion remedied this to some extent, creating a pseudo-womb inside the colon, but as you can imagine, this was extremely dangerous. For one thing, the colon is filled with bacteria-- Escheria coli, among others-- which can harm the child, and even the most blatantly homosexual male lifestyle can't stretch the anus enough to allow the smallest child to leave the body by that orifice without causing the father a great deal of pain.
[Next to him, HARRY POTTER turns bright red and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. LUNA smiles at him and JUSTIN massages his temples. LUNA nods, indicating that DRACO should continue.]
DM [lips twitching slightly]: If the father didn't die of blood poisoning, septic shock, or other such complications resulting from fecal blockage, he very rarely survived the birth. The few successful pregnancies required either rerouting of the father's waste-- a very dangerous and costly medical procedure in and of itself-- or a male version of the Cesarian Section, which often caused just as many complications for the father as the pregnancy itself, and much longer lasting.
LL [smiling serenely]: I've heard that it has been likened to being stabbed in the gut with a sword-- which I've always thought must make a terrific popping noise.
JFF [looking quite ill]: Yes, yes, uhm. I don't think that C-sections make a popping sound, more of a C-section sound, and then the baby crying, and then... nevermind. Go on.
LL [dreamily]: What does a C-section sound like?
[HARRY coughs loudly, and DRACO raises an eyebrow, brushing an invisible piece of lint off his clothing.]
DM: Much like most other surgeries, I would imagine. As I was saying...
HP [nodding vigorously]: Yes, go on.
DM: By creating a real womb, my potion makes the pregnancy far less painful and complicating. It widens the man's hips, creating more room for the child, and has a special system that helps to relax the stomach muscles as the faux uterus stretches around the embryo. Symptoms of pregnancy that were not evident during use of the first potion-- always a bad sign, when the body isn't reacting normally-- are expected, but there are other potions available to ease swelling and morning sickness, sold separately to those that need it. Surgery is still necessary to remove the full-grown child, but it is much safer, owing mostly to the location of the womb, but also due to technological and magical advances in the medical field.
LL [smiling at Harry]: That must have been comforting for you, I'm sure you've had quite enough of scars.
HP [laughing, blushing slightly]: You might say that.
LL: Although, supposing the myth was physically possible, you'd already have one ready-made.
DM: I would not have allowed anyone to perform a C-section on my husband's head.
HP [rolling his eyes]: Can't have my dashing good looks compromised just for the sake of having a family, of course!
DM [smirking]: That is by far the most important.
LL: I'm guessing, then, that you don't believe such a thing to be physically possible.
DM: What, giving birth through your head? No, I don't. The brain, while better for the embryo due to its sterility, is even more delicate than the colon. That would cause unbelievable amounts of brain damage, if the father even lived past the blastocyst phase. Imagine a slow, eventually hemorrhagic brain cancer, and you've got the general idea. [He looks strangely pleased by this idea.]
LL [blinking]: That sounds painful. I have only one question left-- unless you've got any, Justin? [JUSTIN shakes his head fervently]-- even if it wouldn't ever work, in the long run, would it be possible to modify the potion to cause the pregnancy to take place in the head?
DM [thoughtfully]: I suppose. It'd be easier to create an external womb, say, at the back of the neck, because the pressure beneath the skull wouldn't adjust well to something like that. Unless you enlarged it...
JFF [interrupting]: But one wouldn't take, say, an ax to the extenal womb at the time of birth. [DRACO shakes his head] So how would the birth occur, in the instance of a, ahm, head-pregnancy?
DM [shrugging]: Same as it does in the uterus, I'd think. Though the father would have to be lying down at the time, probably on his face.
[HARRY's lips twitch with suppressed laughter, and DRACO squeezes his knee, just a bit too hard to be purely affectionate.]
LL [rising, holding a hand out to shake theirs]: Thank you very much for your expertise, I'm sure our watchers appreciate it. What do you think, Justin, can we consider this myth busted?
JFF [slightly green]: Very much so. [smiles shakily] Suddenly I'm glad I've got a wife to have children. [smiles at CAMERA] We'll be back in a few short moments to hit the myth of Narcissus!
LL [laughing]: If male seahorses can do it, why can't humans? You never know, Justin, maybe you shouldn't have told Hannah when this was going to be on.
JFF [mock-sullenly]: You would think that. [Smiles at CAMERA again] This time, we really will be right back.
[BREAK for COMMERCIALS]
[CAMERA goes dark. JUSTIN's last words are heard:] and I don't think Hannah would---
[FADE IN on GILDEROY LOCKHART]
Gilderoy Lockhart [beaming]: Oh, hello, there! Come to admire my hair? No, no, I don't mind--- yes, come any time! I've got a tale to tell!
I was with my Healer (whom I thought was my Dealer in haircare products so fine) after losing my memory to a lad from Surrey when I smelled a most fabulous smell!
I opened my eyes, and to my surprise, I found a bottle of the Nectar of Gods!
Nectar of Gods. Best shampoo ever. Changed my world. I remember everything now! Void in Utah and in proximity to Boys who Don't Die.
[FADE OUT to BLACK]
[FADE IN on WINKY the HOUSE ELF]
Winky [staring sadly at the camera, ears drooping]: Winky is feeling sad, Winky is. Winky feels sad a lot. [A pause, in which WINKY's eyes flick somewhere off camera, and then returns to her monologue] Do you feel sad, too? Winky and her best friend Ogden have a solution for you! [WINKY pauses again, hiccuping mightily] Some woes can't be taken care of with butterbeer-- take it from Winky, she knows! Oh yes, Winky tried-- but Firewhiskey makes Winky feel all warm inside again, like her master's orders used to make her, and now she is happy!
[WINKY raises a bottle of Ogden's Firewhiskey, hastily turning it so that the label is facing front, and smiles at the camera.]
W: Ogden's Firewhiskey, for all your party needs-- including the pity party! And Winky the House Elf, if there are any masters looking for new Elves, Winky makes a very good fruit salad! And--
[WINKY is dragged out of sight as the screen FADES OUT to BLACK]
[CAMERA opens on LUNA and JUSTIN standing together and smiling]
LL: Welcome back! After that harrowing tale of head-babies and axes, in which we learned all the ins and outs of male pregnancy and nearly made Justin here sick, we have something quite revealing! It's about Narcissus and-- yes, Justin?
JFF [giggling, again in a very manly way]: Sorry, sorry, it's nothing. Just-- It's a good thing that we busted your myth, first!
LL: How so?
JFF: Nothing, really. Draco'll kill me, is all.
LL: Why would he do that?
JFF: Of course you'll find out soon enough.
LL: Of course. Suspense is important, Pansy always says.
JFF: ...I'll choose to ignore the implications. [waving hands]
Anyway- there is a point to my pontificating. Luna, be a doll and bring out The Board?
LL [eyes widening]: The Board? But, Justin, not The Board- it's been, uhm, eaten by Humdingers.
JFF: It's in the corner, Luna. Right there. And it's just fine. Quite safe. All right?
LL: ...All right.
[LUNA moves over to The Board and picks it up warily, carrying it back and holding it out to JUSTIN]
JFF [whipping cover off]: I give you...
LL: The Malfoy family tree?
JFF [beaming]: Yes!
LL: But what does that have to do with Narcissus?
JFF: I thought you'd never ask! [picking up pointer, pointing to first entry] Narcissus -no last name- was the first wizard in the Malfoy line. Myth states that Narcissus, ancient Greek muggle, was wandering through Artemis's wood when he passed by Echo's pond. Upon seeing himself in the water, he fell madly in love with his own reflection. Legend has it that he sat there, staring at himself, until such a point as he wasted away to nothing but the narcissus flower.
There is some fact to this. There was indeed a muggle named Narcissus, and he did indeed stare into Echo's pool. But, as the world was, shall we say, younger in those days (Pandora's box had been opened not fifty years prior and, as several learned historians are well aware, it was this box that created the kind of magic that wizards can employ--
LL: And witches!
JFF: Yes, and witches), stray magics found hosts easier. After the witch-goddess Artemis hunted, it has been said she pleasured herself. Exhibit A proves this.
[JUSTIN reaches under the TABLE and brings up a bag marked Exhibit A]
The contents of this back have been chemically and magically proven to contain, ahm, the essence of Artemis, found in approximately the same location as her bathing-pool.
We consulted Dr. Bulstrode, who many people know of as an acclaimed sex doctor. Quite knowledgeable in sex magics, she informed us of the following.
[JUSTIN waves his wand, and a VIDEO SCREEN with MILLICENT BULSTRODE'S HEAD featured prominently descends. He waves his wand again, and MB's image activates.]
MILLICENT BULSTRODE [via video screen]: What's that now? [unintelligible muttering] Oh, right. Yes, contrary to popular belief, sex is by and large a magical act--and I don't mean that schmoopey love stuff. The act of sexual intercourse has proven to release a certain amount of pure magic, the most of which is discharged at the moment of orgasm. [more indistinct words] Yes, it is quite possible that, if there were a certain lack of wizards in the area, magic released through acts of passion might find a host, thereby creating a new witch or wizard. Though in this day and time, there are enough magical folk out there to keep sex magics from making a muggle magical. Actually, in the last hundred years, there is only one account of--
[JUSTIN cuts MILLICENT and the VIDEO off. The VIDEO SCREEN disappears again, and he smiles at the CAMERA]
JFF: As Dr. Bulstrode so aptly said, the magical spillover of sex has the potential to create a wizard -- yes, Luna, or a witch -- if there aren't enough populating the surrounding area. Back in those times, there were approximately 7.0675% the amount of magical people there are today-- this is due in part to the smaller population in general, but mostly to the... rather lack of wizards, ahm-- anyways! Artemis's... self-loving seemed to have caused enough magic to create a new wizard.
JFF: Yes, and--
LL [giggling]: So Artemis was basically masturbating, and she created a wizard who fell in love with his own reflection?
JFF: Yeah, she did. And it seems that once Narcissus was imbued with this magic--- oh. OH. I see what you're getting at! [JUSTIN mock-glares at LUNA, who POKES him with a POINTER that she has transfigured her shoelace into]
In any case, Narcissus caught the tail-end of Artemis's released magic and became a wizard. It is said that, at this point, he began to waste away into a flower.
LL [now laughing even harder]: He came from a flower-- literally-- and he turned back into one! Oh, Justin, this is a wonderful lesson on innuendo-- I mean, life. Yes, life.
JFF [blustering]: What was that again, Luna? And anyways, he didn't turn into a flower, not really. Actually, I believe it was his first act of magic. He, ahm. Luna, you know what happens when one wizard loves another very much, right?
LL [gasping with laughter]: Isn't that what you've been going on about this whole time?
JFF [frowning]: Not really, and I was thinking more along the lines of 'he gives them flowers'. I hypothesise that Narcissus, very much in love with his reflection, produced the flower for his love. Which, ah, was him. Self. And his love spurned him, so he ran off in shame, and...
LL: How could his love spurn him. DID THE NARGLES...?
JFF: Ah, no. I don't actually have factual evidence for why he disappeared. BUT! Genetic evidence-- for you purebloods out there, genetics basically means why you look the way you do [JUSTIN coughs. The cough sounds very much like the word 'inbreeding'.]-- taken from some of his garments that have been spell-checked to ensure authenticity proves that he, is, indeed, the father of the Malfoy line!
LL [grinning]: That explains a lot. [She pauses, looks directly at CAMERA] Yes, Pansy, you heard me. [She bursts into laughter and glances at JUSTIN.] Oh, am I going to get it when I get home. You ought to know, it's never a good idea to make fun of your wife's best friend! Maybe she'll give me lots of flowers...
JFF [somewhat befuddled]: I've never made fun of my wife's best friend!
LL: You make fun of him every time we do this show!
JFF [realising]:...OH. [he blushes] I was more worried that Draco would smite me with a male pregnancy...
LL: I thought we just proved that it has absolutely nothing to do with smiting.
JFF [distracting]: Oopsie, it looks like we're running out of time! Would you say that the myth that Narcissus wasted away and turned into a flower is sufficiently busted?
JFF [smiling at the camera]: And that's been another day with Justin and Luna, Mythbusters extraordinaire!
LL: If the Blibbering Humdingers don't get us, we'll be here next week, in congruence with Valentine's Day -- same time, of course -- with the tales of Eros and Psyche and Atalanta -- our very own Greek love myths! And don't worry, everyone: we won't make love into a legend!